Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

the three branches of government

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

A small tragedy.

I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.

It was called Dungeons and Dragons.

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.

He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.

Girl wake up, you’re drunk

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?

Person 2: I did

Person 1: what’s he like?

Person 2: so tender and mild

Person 1: what

Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot