Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary

My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.

Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.

They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer

Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

That’s bullshit.

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

Never forget.

Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!

*our canoe tips over*

You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit