Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix

Stop being $50 to eat, food.

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.