Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
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A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.