Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
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‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]