Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

Duck typos.

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

i was dropped as an adult

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM

Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

[creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol

BEE: …

GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:

You’re not funny.

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.