Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*