Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
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Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Got him!
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog