Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
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Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Pigeon open mic night.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone