Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
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me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Did I do this right
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”
– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”