Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
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My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean