@PaulyPeligroso

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

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@BuckyIsotope

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

@FredTaming

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

@rockymomax

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

@Home_Halfway

KIDNAPPER: Get in the van
ME: Oh no thanks I’m vegetarian
KIDNAPPER: Oh okay sorry *drives away*
{15min later}
KIDNAPPER: Wait a minute, wtf

@iamspacegirl

Spider-Man, hanging right in front of your face when you turn on the bathroom light.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old and I are having an argument. I’m telling him that he is making me late for work and he’s telling me that he is Batman.

@heyevergreen

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.