Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

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Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*


[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector


HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra


KIDNAPPER: Get in the van
ME: Oh no thanks I’m vegetarian
KIDNAPPER: Oh okay sorry *drives away*
{15min later}
KIDNAPPER: Wait a minute, wtf


Spider-Man, hanging right in front of your face when you turn on the bathroom light.


My 4 year old and I are having an argument. I’m telling him that he is making me late for work and he’s telling me that he is Batman.


Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.