Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
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[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
KIDNAPPER: Get in the van
ME: Oh no thanks I’m vegetarian
KIDNAPPER: Oh okay sorry *drives away*
KIDNAPPER: Wait a minute, wtf
Spider-Man, hanging right in front of your face when you turn on the bathroom light.
My 4 year old and I are having an argument. I’m telling him that he is making me late for work and he’s telling me that he is Batman.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.