Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
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Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??