My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
You Might Also Like
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.