Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
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My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
