Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
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Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
This made me chuckle.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…