Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?

[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u

Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’

I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.

Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don’t know what that means.

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”

[at the club]

Me: I got the moves

Her: it’s “runs”

Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse