Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
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Horrifying if literal: a handbag
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.