Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
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“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Guys which shade of gery should I get
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends