Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave
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Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.