Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”

Headache Protip:

Bang your toe into something.

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

#ThisMakesMeLaugh

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

sliding into dms like

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

inside you are two wolves

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches

Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.