Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”

Imma get shredded!

Goes to the cheese aisle.

Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?

When your best mate counts as a desk too

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.

Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.