Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

I am having an out of money experience.

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

DATE: Do you like cats?

ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

Only short people can save us

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.

My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

me: brush your teeth

my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?