Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick