Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
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HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.