Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shampoo implies shampee

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

*starts new diet*

“Do not drink caffeine”

*ends new diet*

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.