Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
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How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
This pepper has seen some shit
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.