Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:

– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad

– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise

– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral

– there’s like a groom or w/e idc

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

I march to the beat of my own dumb

Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough

*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it

Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all