Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
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‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
let’s discuss
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.