Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
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to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
When you’re here for the treats.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Always 🥴
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”