Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
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Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.