‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
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“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.