‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
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let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
