Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*

Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.

12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*

Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??

12: I…uh…..*runs away*

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Two Dough Nuts.

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?

The captain was standing on the deck.

#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray