Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

gollum: *coughs on ring*

frodo: you know what, keep it

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

Poetry is my passion

the prophecy has been fulfilled

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

goldfish mafia

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW

We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.

We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)