Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: have you decided where you’re going to live

ME: I’m still on the fence

HER: that’s why I asked

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent

The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse

My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]

[later]

GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.