Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That’s me

Me: but you’re an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how

[blind date]

HER: i love classic rock

ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

[GOD CREATING BEES]

G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive

I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.

What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye