Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
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MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.