Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
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Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I am having an out of money experience.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I wish I were this cool 😂
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.