Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
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There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH