Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.

Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”

Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~

*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*

Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”

Client: “Oh I don’t have one”

Me *blinking intensely*

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.