Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
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What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
im all 3
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”