Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
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BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*