why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
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You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?