Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
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You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
crochet youtube is brutal
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
No, YOUR illiterate.