Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

“I can’t lie to you”

You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

The French really did the “this is fine” meme.

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?

8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

Good morning y’all ☀️

Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin

store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

“You’d better run, egg!”

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell

Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia.

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread