Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

You might just have to resign…

Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?

Do not steal food from the science building!

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice

Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge