Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
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I beg your pardon?
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
They should make a moral fiber supplement
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Imagine having a party on purpose.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”