Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
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guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
All excellent questions
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.