Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months

Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.

fair

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.

Or bees.

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.