Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.

Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

absolute chaos