Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

goldfish mafia

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

Oh my god

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?

Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA

😭😭😭

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!

Me: Have you ever had an accident?

Her: No, I’m on the pill.

Me: (Sigh)

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?

I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.

Only Americans understand

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

Chemical wingman

Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

Me: Did you like that story?

5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.

Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.

5: There’s another ending? Tell me.

Me: You don’t need to know.

5: Tell me, Tell me!

Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!

Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.