Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
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“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
i could never be president. im overqualified.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
