Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
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*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
File under excellent bookstore names.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.