Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
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WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
🤣🤣
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”