Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.

my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird