Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?

Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?

Parents: go to your room.

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

🐶😂

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

A family that plays together cheats.

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions