Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.

I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.

[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes,  I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

me: I challenge you to a fish fight

them: you mean fist fight?

Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit

Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!