Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

Broom by every window for quick escape.

I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.

A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.

My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.

10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?

Me: Yes but

Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?

Me: What you have to understand is

Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks