Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
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Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Love this one 😂🧟
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
For the baby who has everything
