Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

[Mugshot photographer]

Me: now lets do a silly one

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

I’m sorry…what?

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

Stay in school, kids.

No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

beware of dog

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy

Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?

Me: party?

Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.

Son: That wasn’t you

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.