Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
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Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
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* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
And that about sums it up.
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Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
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Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.