Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”

me as soon as i see the dogs:

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

Meow?

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

My life coach traded me.

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.