Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
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My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car