@wumother

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

You Might Also Like

@pharmasean

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

@Chhapiness

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

@StephiHill

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.

@darinlovesbacon

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

@ipalatsky

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

@thenatewolf

*At a party*

STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit?

ME: No I’m the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

@Quartzjixler

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.