Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

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[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang


My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses


Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.


My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”


Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.


*At a party*

STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit?

ME: No I’m the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.


Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”


I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.