Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
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“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.