Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
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Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
My love language is hissing.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.