Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

Just chopped 10 cords of wood before breakfast in case you ladies are looking for a he-man type of liar.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

You know the economy is tanking when Kanye’s girlfriend can’t even afford clothes.

I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.

My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

“Moooooooo”

– bilingual donkey

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.