Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ChatGPT cannot be stopped.

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”

~ Tom Hiddleston

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*