Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

*Son storms in

‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

when someone compliments me

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

buys donuts instead

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

I’m tired tomorrow.

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.

In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.