Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.

2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

concern

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?