Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
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If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
