Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
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I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!